


Imitation of Life

by Cantabo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Humor, Family Drama, Family Issues, Happy Ending, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 22:53:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2558720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cantabo/pseuds/Cantabo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's spent the last several years of his life trying to forget the life he left in Sioux Falls. He made new friends, got a new job, got a roommate that he accidentally fell in love with, and he almost managed to forget the memories he left behind him all those years ago.</p>
<p>Too bad the universe has other plans for Dean. There's an invitation to Bobby and Ellen's wedding sitting on his kitchen counter, and it seems like it's finally time for Dean to face his demons.</p>
<p>*4/20/16- Currently being rewritten. It will be longer, include better character development, and re-posted in chapters when I am done.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Imitation of Life

Dean figured out that it was Jo calling him when his cell phone rang for the 4th time in a row, each call lining up with the commercial breaks of _Dr. Sexy_ reruns (Dean _wasn’t_ watching that. _He_ _wasn’t_ ). Dean knew that if he didn’t get up and answer the phone, Jo would resort to texting him every 8.4 seconds. Even so, Dean still considered the possibility of turning his phone off, before remembering that Jo had Ellen call him and tear him a new one for not answering last time. _Shit_ , he’s actually going to have to answer her.

Groaning as he got up, Dean made his way to the kitchen, moving stiff and jerkily. It must have been at least 3 hours since he had last gotten up from his spot on the couch, and his lower back was really starting to hate him for it. Dean figured he couldn’t be blamed for the lazy habits he practiced on his day off.

“Jo, what do you want?” Dean said into his phone by way of introduction.

“ _Suck my ass_ , Winchester! Did you get the invitation?” She barked back, and Dean internally groaned. Jo was in one of her ‘ _wedding plannerzilla’_ moods. It is advised to proceed with extreme caution and maximum safety gear.

Dean glanced at the champagne colored envelope, unopened on the kitchen counter, next to _Jack Goff_ , Dean’s goldfish (Dean was drunk and thought it was funny, then proceeded to write it on the bowl in permanent marker). Dean knew the exact contents of the envelope without having to open it. Hell, he knew the details of the letter without opening it, Jo had been yelling about them for 6 months over the phone. Even so, however, opening the envelope felt immensely symbolic of a different part of Dean’s life that he felt sure he left behind him so many years ago. Opening that letter was opening a door to a past that Dean was still desperately trying to forget.

“Yeah, Jo, I got it. Calm down before your hair starts falling out again,” Dean said, picking up the envelope to read Bobby’s scrawl on the address line. _Whoever thought it would be a good idea to let Bobby address the invitations seriously needs a head examination._

“Fuck you! _WHY_ haven’t you RSVP’d yet? Don’t make me drive six states south to rip you a new one!” Jo shouted, and Dean literally had to hold the phone away from his ear to prevent permanent hearing loss.

“Jo, calm down, you’re doing that thing again where you try to scream your feelings. Remember what happened last time? You couldn’t talk for 2 weeks,” Dean said, still internally laughing at the memory.

“You’re right, I’m just so stressed. Mom’s making me go harass the florist AND the caterers. So are you bringing a date? And I need to know what you’re both eating,” Jo said, and Dean could actually hear the rapid clicking of her pen over the phone.

_Was Dean bringing a date?_ That would require him actually talking to someone that’s not Cas or a co-worker, right? Dean felt panic rise up in his chest and grip tight on his throat. This was the exact reason he had left the invitation sitting next to Jack Goff, because Jack Goff doesn’t have the physical capabilities to open the letter, and Castiel refuses to go anywhere near Jack Goff because fish creep him out. Wait… _Cas! Dean can take Cas!_ There’s no fucking way Dean’s going to be able to do this alone, and if Cas is there Dean might actually be able to make it through the week without killing himself or some innocent bystander.

“Yeah, Jo. I’m taking my… friend Cas. We’ll both have whatever’s the least disgusting,” Dean said, and promptly hung up before Jo could interject a single question.

Now, all that’s left is to actually _ask_ Castiel.

-

Dean made Castiel his favorite dinner, Cheeseburgers and beer. When Cas texted him and said he’d be home by 5:00, Dean knew he had until _at least_ 7:00 before Castiel slumped through the door.

Cas is an environmental lawyer, and works at a law firm with his brother Gabriel. Dean is still chuckling over Gabriel’s response when Dean called to ask if Cas would be able to take a week off (In Gabriel’s exact words: _Yes, GOD! Get him out of my fucking sight!_ ). To say Castiel overworks himself would be the understatement of the century. Cas frequently comes home well into the night, and sometimes doesn’t even make it to his bed before slumping onto the nearest flat surface to sleep. One time, Cas fell asleep in his _car_. Dean didn’t find him until the next morning, on his way to work himself.

So Dean takes his time, knowing exactly what to do to persuade Castiel to come along. He puts extra tomato on Castiel’s burger, and makes sure there are no onions within ten feet of the burgers. He puts on reruns of _Drake and Josh_ (because according to Castiel _fuck you Dean, I can be 29 and still love Drake and Josh_ ). He gets a Ginger Ale out of the fridge and puts it by Castiel’s plate with a bottle of Advil, because Castiel always has a headache when he gets home.

So when Castiel shuffles through the door at 7:12, Dean is prepared, and shouts at Cas to sit down with him on the couch and watch TV. Castiel’s confused face is priceless, but he sits down nevertheless and takes a bite of his burger, immediately groaning and taking another bite before he’s even swallowed the first, because Dean makes a damn good burger. He promptly ignores the way his stomach flips and twists itself into knots.

“What’s the occasion, Dean?” Castiel asks, taking his suit jacket and tie off, and laying them across the arm of the couch before spreading out. Dean’s eyes follow the movements of Castiel’s arms for a beat too long, admiring his before he snaps back to himself and remembers why he’s kissing Cas’ ass right now.

“Well, there’s this thing,” Dean said, and then forgot how to speak. He can’t ask Castiel to do this, it’s too much. Cas won’t leave work, he’s too invested. He’s got that big case down in New Braunfels, and he and Gabriel were discussing hiring their intern, Alfie, on full time. How can Dean pull him away from his work? That’s so selfish!

“What’s the thing?” Cas asked after a few seconds of silence that Dean hadn’t realized he’d left open.

“Well, Ellen and Bobby’s wedding is next week,” Dean said, cradling his beer like a pathetic child in time-out, even though he’s a 27 year-old man, _damnit_.

“Oh, I see. So you’ll be gone?” Castiel asked, turning to face him on the couch. Dean’s eyes flicked to where Cas had unbuttoned his collar to show his neck and some of his chest. His eyes trailed on the tan skin before snapping back up to give what was a hopefully reassuring smile.

“Well, yeah… Actually… I was kind of hoping that you’d come with me,” Dean said, mumbling the last part into his beer.

Castiel stayed quiet for several moments, appearing to be in deep though. Dean mainly just nursed his beer and pretended he was part of the couch until Cas felt ready to decline the strange request.

“Sure Dean, when do we leave?”

Wait, _what?_

-

Shutting the door to the apartment, Dean looked around, enjoying the early morning heat. San Antonio has been good to Dean ever since he moved here. He’s found a good career, made some awesome friends, and met Cas. He appreciates the grueling heat of Texas and the amazing food. He enjoys the culture and attractions, and the strange people he’s met over the years.

Speaking of strange people, Castiel certainly counts as one of them right now. He’s sitting on the hood of Dean’s impala, in sweatpants and a hoodie, singing along to Kansas at the top of his lungs. If Dean didn’t know him, he would think that Cas was a homeless person on several questionable substances.

“Cas, some on man! Let’s hit the road! We’re going to get there at midnight at this rate!” Dean shouts over the chorus of _Carry on my Wayward Son_ as he puts his bags in the trunk. Cas nods and slides off the hood if the Impala. He pats the hood like it’s the head of a small child and then slides into the passenger seat, all while singing Kansas.

Dean rolls his eyes and gets in the car, turning the volume up before pulling out of their apartment complex and onto Broadway Street. Castiel digs through Dean’s box of cassette tapes for a few minutes before settling on the one tape Dean hasn’t listened to in almost 8 years, labeled _For Dean_ in a child’s scrawl. Dean coughs and pulls a random tape out of the box before Castiel can stick that particular tape in. Some things don’t need to be relived.

_Back in Black_ blares to life inside the car, and Dean almost breathes an audible sigh of relief. Castiel gives him an odd look, but Dean refuses to acknowledge what happened, instead pulling onto Interstate 35, beginning the long trek up to Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Predictably, Castiel is asleep within the first 15 minutes of the drive, so Dean turns down the music and rolls the windows up some. Castiel is used to odd sleeping hours, and is most likely taking advantage of the first vacation he’s had in the year since Anna’s accident.

Last spring, Castiel’s younger sister Anna was driving home for Spring Break from college. As she went through a light, a drunk driver crashed into her. She suffered a blow to the head and was killed upon impact. Castiel took a month off work. Dean fed him, put him to bed, got him out of the house every once and a while, and helped him through many nightmares and sleepless nights. Dean understood the pain of losing family members, whether they have passed away or not. The gaping hole they leave in their wake is painful and impossible to ignore.

Dean can’t help but let his thoughts drift back to his life before Texas, before Cas. He thinks about all the pain and suffering that he went through, keeping him out of college because it was all he could do to hold his family together. He remembers Uncle Bobby’s struggling auto-yard, and how he tried so hard to do everything for Sam and Dean. Dean remembers all the sleepless nights spent waiting up for someone who wouldn’t come home for days at a time.

Dean remembers their father, and his constant downward spiral of alcoholism and isolation, leading up to a tragic but unsurprising heart attack, and orphaning Dean and Sam until Bobby took them in as his own, and raised them with the help of Ellen.

Dean remembers his little brother for exactly .025 seconds before stopping himself from going on that downward spiral. The key to being happy is pretending the bad things didn’t happen, or so Dean likes to pretend.

Dean shook himself out of his pity party, and turned the music up a little, just enough to chase the thoughts out of his mind but still low enough that it wouldn’t wake Cas.

-

The rain started as soon as they left Oklahoma and got into Kansas. At first, it was just a light shower, but it quickly evolved into a thunderstorm, with torrential streams coming down from the sky. It seemed as if Nature had decided to fuck with Dean’s day purely for the joy of watching him suffer.

Dean glanced at Castiel, sleeping soundly next to him. Dean couldn’t help but wonder if Castiel had forgotten to go to bed the night before while working on a case, or if he simply decided that he would sleep for the entire day (again). Cas was snoring softly, his head resting back against the seat and his arms cradled to his chest like a small child. Dean couldn’t help but find Castiel completely adorable when he sleeps. All of his worries and stress falls away and he looks like his actual age, young and lively.

Dean’s feelings for Cas are nothing new. There have been many months spent with Dean gazing at Castiel as he rushes around in the morning, late (again), or when he laughs at one of his ridiculous teenage television shows, or when he falls asleep halfway through his work at the dinner table or on the couch. Dean’s been there to pick up Castiel and put him to bed multiple times. If some feelings developed along the way, well than it’s nothing Cas needs to know about at the moment (or possibly ever).

Up until a couple months ago, Castiel was in a semi-serious relationship with an attorney named Balthazar (weird name, total prick). Castiel and Balthazar had been dating for almost 4 years when Balthazar decided to leave Castiel for a strange Irish man named Crowley (which was fine with Dean, they could run off into the sunset with their weird-ass names for all he cared). Castiel was of course upset, but strangely, not very much so. He didn’t wallow or cry, he didn’t take time off work. The only change was in the way Cas acted. He began to get very quiet, well, more quiet than usual. He started to work even later, going so far as to sleep in the office some nights. He wouldn’t look Dean in the eye. Dean doesn’t know the details of the breakup, but he assumes that it was fairly messy, considering the way Cas acted around Dean for a month.

Dean’s phone rang suddenly, snapping him out of his thoughts, and Dean glanced down at his phone, expecting it to be Jo. However, Gabriel’s name flashed across the screen, and Dean grabbed to answer it before the ringer woke up Cas.

“Yo Dean-o! What’s shakin’ sexy bacon? Just kidding, you’re neither sexy nor bacon!” Gabriel said, snarky as ever. Dean hates to admit the soft spot he’s developed for the odd man over the years.

“Cas and I are halfway to Sioux Falls, but it’s raining strippers and midgets, so we might pull in for a burger or something,” Dean said, looking around the Interstate for any place that might sell burgers and offer relief from the ass-storm Dean and Cas were stuck in the middle of.

“Oh! If you’re in Kansas you should go to Kim’s Burgers N’ Shakes[JF1] ! It’s just outside of Kansas City. Literally the best place on I-35 to get a burger, totally worth it,” Gabriel said, and if Dean strained hard enough, he could hear the vague sounds of _Casa Erotica_ in the background. Dean cringed at any sentence that involved the words ‘Gabriel’ and ‘porn’.

“Okay, Gabe. Thanks for the tip. We’re 10 minutes into Kansas City so we’ll pull in when we get there,” Dean said.

“Cool beans, sweet potato! Why isn’t Cas answering his phone? I’ve called him like 4 times! I found the box series of _Friends_ on sale and I was wondering if he liked that show enough for me to get it for him,” Gabriel said.

Considering the 32 episodes Castiel has on DVR back home, Dean can safely assume that Castiel is a fan of the show.

“I think it’s a safe bet to say he’s a fan. Don’t bother him right now, though, he’s sleeping. I’ll wake him up when we pull in and he’ll call you back,” Dean said, trying to placate Gabriel. To be honest, however, the chance of Cas calling Gabriel back is about as likely as the sky turning green. After that one time Gabriel butt dialed Castiel during sex and he answered, Castiel is very hesitant to answer Gabriel’s phone calls.

“Okay, hey let me know when you guys get there, okay?” Gabriel asked. Dean responded saying that they would, and Gabriel promptly hung up on him. _How classy._

One time Dean asked Gabriel why he never said goodbye on the phone, and Gabriel immediately began spewing Rom-com crap about ‘never saying goodbye’ or whatever. There’s a Psych 101 lesson echoing in the back of his mind that reminds Dean about Gabriel’s disdain towards road trips after Anna’s death.

Dean spends the rest of the drive to the burger joint drumming the beat of _Heartbreaker_ on the steering wheel.

When he finally pulled up into Kim’s Burgers N’ Shakes, the rain hadn’t slowed down at all, still a torrential downpour and raging winds. Dean turned to Castiel, smiling softly at his messy hair and disheveled clothing.

Reaching over to shake him softly, Dean isn’t surprised when Cas jerks awake with the faintest shake to his shoulder. Castiel’s head whips around, completely disoriented.

“Dean, where are we? Why’s the windows wet?” Cas mutters, rubbing the heels of his hands on his eyes. Dean smiled and pats his shoulder, reaching into the backseat to get the umbrella he stuffed back there after a particularly rainy day in April when he got stuck outside of work for 30 minutes because of the weather.

“Gabe recommended this place, the weather’s getting too bad to drive. Also, he ordered you the box set of _Friends_ , he wanted me to tell you,” Dean said, handing Castiel the umbrella, shooting a quick text to Gabriel to let him know they arrived, and shutting off the Impala.

“Come on, let’s go get a burger,” Dean said, getting out of the car and immediately hauling some serious ass inside the restaurant, with Castiel right behind him. They both ran in, not surprised to find the diner completely empty. Who in their right mind would go out in this weather? Present company excluded, of course.

“Welcome to Kim’s, please wait to be seated,” A very bored looking waitress shouted from the counter. She had bleach blonde hair, multiple face-piercings, and a _Soap Opera’s Digest_ open in front of her. Dean looked around at the absolutely empty restaurant, confused.

“Uh… could we just grab a booth?” Dean asked, motioning to a clean looking table towards the left corner of the restaurant.

“Please wait to be seated, “The waitress repeated, shooting Dean a glare that could cut glass. Dean shot his hands up in mock surrender and stuffed his hands in his pockets, suddenly incredibly uncomfortable. Cas huffed out a laugh and shook his head, trying to shake some of the water out of his hair. Dean’s eyes followed a lone drop of water work its way down Castiel’s neck, and gulped. He quickly averted his gaze to avoid awkward boners in public.

Dean and Castiel stood there uncomfortably for a few minutes, looking around at the 50’s themed decorations and eyeing the waitress in hopes of ‘ _being seated’_ in the completely empty restaurant sometime in the near future.

After several more awkward moments, the waitress put her magazine down and told them to “sit wherever.”

Dean’s eye visibly twitched as Castiel huffed out another laugh and took a seat where Dean had motioned to earlier. Dean sat across form him, grabbing the menu and looking at it for .5 seconds before deciding he wanted a bacon burger and apple pie. _Mmm…. Pie._

Dean drifted off for several seconds, dreaming about apple pie, before he realized that Cas was staring at him, an amused smirk painting his face. Dean flushed and mumbled an educated “shut up.”

Castiel merely smiles and looks back at his menu. Dean looks at Castiel, noticing that he looks better than he has in several months. He doesn’t have bags under his eyes, his skin seems like there’s more color in it, his shoulders aren’t hunched over, and he’s smiled more today than he has in the last week. Dean knows that work has been difficult, and that Castiel has been going through a hard time, but he’s glad to see Castiel back to something of his normal self.

The waitress came by, took their drink orders and food orders, smacked her gum loudly, winked at Castiel, and then sauntered off into the kitchen, shouting at someone named Lou to ‘fire up the grill’.

“So Dean, who all is staying at Bobby’s?” Cas asked, checking through his email on his phone. Dean resisted the urge to grab the phone and hide it so Cas wouldn’t have to think about work or Gabriel’s annoying ass.

“Well, Bobby, and his fiancé, Ellen, and her daughter Jo. Jo and I have been best friends since I came to stay with Bobby as a kid. She’s like you and me now, except that you’re sane and she enjoys watching people blush and get angry,” Dean said, chuckling at the memory of their misadventures when they grew up. Their time together involves significant amounts of swearing, fire, guns, and arguing.

“Ash will show up eventually, but he’ll just sleep on the dining room table. And maybe Sam,” Dean adds at the end, hoping that Cas won’t notice that his estranged brother will probably be in attendance.

What Castiel knows about Sam is very limited. He knows that Sam is Dean’s brother, and that years ago they had a falling out, and then Dean decided to get a fresh start and move to San Antonio. Dean refuses to revisit the time before the move in his mind, the pain of it all too much to bear.

“Wow, well I’ll finally get to meet the people responsible for making you so weird,” Cas joked, taking a sip of his drink as the waitress set it down. She gave him a sultry smile and Dean barely resisted the urge to growl at her. Jealousy flared through him like a disease, and it was difficult to shake off.

“Yep, that you will,” Dean chuckled thinly, hoping that they would eventually change topics and talk about something that _wasn’t Sam._ Dean has bad luck, apparently.

“So, tell me about Sam. I’ve known you for 5 years and I feel like I know almost nothing about your life before you and I met,” Cas said, taking another sip from his drink. Dean’s eyes followed Cas’ lips, and he looked away, taking a deep breath of air to calm himself down. Dean can’t help the way he tenses up when talking about his past. What can he say about Sam that’s true but not the _truth?_

“Well, Sam is… Sam. He’s so damn smart. He’s got the world’s best bitchface, and he uses it all the time. He used to refuse to cut his damn hair. He’s… just Sam, I guess,” Dean smiled, remembering the times before _the bad time_ when Sam was himself, and he used to smile at Dean like he hung the stars. Sam was Dean’s world, until he wasn’t, and then Dean had to rebuild his world, shakier and shakier until it crumbled and left Dean gasping for something to hold onto. Dean pulled himself together and ran, like the chicken he is. He ran from Bobby, from home, from Sioux Falls, and _especially_ from Sam.

Cas nods and seems to accept this, or rather, decided not to push it. Either way, Dean is grateful for Castiel’s sense of when to drop something. Their waitress sets down their plates, and Dean’s stomach gives an audible rumble. The waitress makes a snotty face and Castiel laughs, reaching across the table to poke Dean’s stomach with the end of his fork playfully. Dean laughs and they dig in, the uncomfortable conversation they just had already behind them, merely a speck in the mirror.

-

After Dean and Cas finished their food, they sat and talked for a few hours, mainly about work and Gabriel’s relationship with his business rival, Kali. Cas and Dean are sure that they’re having sex. The rain let up enough to drive safely late in the afternoon, so they got back in the car and began their drive up to Sioux Falls, singing along to almost every tape Dean had in his box of cassettes (with the exception of a certain one that Castiel didn’t pull out again, which Dean was immensely grateful for).

However, even with Dean’s less than optimal driving habits (Cas jokingly bestowed the nickname of Speedy Winchester onto Dean), they arrived at Bobby’s house well after midnight, greeted with a single light on in the kitchen and a particularly affectionate note from Jo reading _you guys were late so I took the other guest room, sorry bitch SUCK MY ASS I ain’t sharing with mom if I don’t have to!_

“That bitch,” Dean grumbled, rolling his eyes and showing Cas the note. Cas merely chuckled and picked up his bag again.

“It’s hardly the first time we’ve shared a bed before, lead the way,” Cas said. He was right, actually, as strange as it was that roommates shared beds as much as they did. Dean and Cas have more than once fallen asleep next to each other on the couch, or each other’s beds from pure exhaustion/being-too-drunk-to-move. Dean shrugs at this observation, ignoring the voice in the back of his head that screams how odd that fact is, and leads the way to the bedroom he lived in from ages 14 to 20.

Climbing the stairs quietly, he whispers to Cas to avoid the second to last step because it creaks like a _motherfucker_ and the last thing they want to do is wake up Ellen. A grumpy Ellen is scarier than any monster Dean could ever imagine. Castiel nods and obediently skips said step. Dean leads them down to the hallway past Ellen’s room, Bobby’s room, Jo’s current room, and arrives at his room at the end of the hall.

Dean motions for Cas to go in first, and is about to follow when he happens to _stupidly_ glance at the door across from his. Sam’s room is something that Dean hasn’t been in for almost a decade, but he still remembers the way Sam used to leave his books everywhere, even on his bed, and just curl around them to sleep. He remembers the way Sam used to tack up pictures of all their adventures on his wall, right next to the window so he would see them when he woke up. He remembers the way him and Sam would lay down on the floor of his room and talk about Mom and Dad. He remembers _Sam_ , alive and pure and undamaged, so _honestly_ _Sam_ that it hurts Dean’s chest to remember.

There’s a light on under his door, and if Dean strains, he can hear distinct shuffling, possibly pages turning, possibly feet moving, possibly Sam waking up. All that Dean knows is that whatever is waiting behind that door is something he can’t handle right now, he knows it in the bottom of his soul that if he has to watch that door open and face tired brown eyes and greasy hair and the distinct smell of alcohol and smoke again, he won’t be able to pull himself out of that hole a second time. Dean knows he’s a coward for retreating into his room, where Cas has already begun unpacking, but he really doesn’t care at this moment in time.

Cas gives him a questioning look, but doesn’t ask him anything, and Dean decides right there in that moment that Castiel is one seriously awesome _friend/roommate/guy-that-Dean’s-in-maybe-love-with._ He sets his backpack full of his clothes and such down on the floor, not even bothering to unpack anything past his toothbrush and some sleep clothes. He changes in the bathroom, steals Jo’s toothpaste because she called him a bitch, and tiptoes back to his room with all the gracefulness he can pull out of his ass at 2:37 in the morning.

He smiles when he sees Castiel already in bed, asleep already, sprawled out on his stomach, arms and legs thrown all over the bed like he dropped there and passed out. Dean moves an arm and leg and crawls in next to him as he turns the lamp off, pressing himself close to Cas in a moment of selfishness and desperation. Dean feels like he’s being ripped apart from the bandages he put over his wounds all those years ago. Now they’re being torn off one by one and having alcohol poured into them. Dean’s eyes sting and he tells himself that it’s because of driving for around 16 hours, and he leaves it there, forbidding himself to question it any further.

“Dean,” Cas groans from his spot on the bed next to Dean.

“Wha?” He mumbles back.

“Stop thinking so loud, you’ll wake the whole house,” Cas says light-heartedly, and rolls over to mash his face into Dean’s arm, promptly falling back asleep. Dean smiles and runs his hand through his hair, deciding that Cas might have a point. It’s only at this thought that Dean lets himself drift out of consciousness slowly, lulled to sleep by the even breathing of the man next to him.

-

Slightly opening one eye was Dean’s first mistake of the day. The sun shone in on him in a way he wasn’t used to. Dean wondered why the sun was gracing him with its presence when he had thick curtains in his apartment bedroom, before remembering exactly where he was. _Fucking Jo probably opened the curtains like a bitch_. Dean groaned and rolled over, expecting to flop half on top of Cas, but instead rolling onto sheets and pillows. Unless Castiel had taken a lesson out of _Flat Stanley’s_ book, he’s not in bed, which is alarming considering where they are.

Dean manages to crack open both of his eyes, grumbling expletives as he pushed himself out of bed. Scratching his chest dumbly, he looks around his room in confusion. When he glances at the clock, Dean groans, it blares _8:14_ in angry red numbers. What a fucking sinful time to be awake. God himself is crying over Dean being awake this early on his vacation.

Looking around, Dean realizes that his room is remarkably the same from when he was last here. His high school trophies from his time on the baseball and lacrosse teams are still on the dresser, as well as most of his pictures, and Dean can even recognize the clothes he didn’t take with him when he left hanging in the closet. Overall, he’s both happy and confused as to why Bobby left all of his things untouched, considering how often he threatened to turn Dean’s room into a _Raccoon habitat_.

Making his way to the bathroom, he realizes that he doesn’t have anything on besides sweatpants, he grabs the first shirt he sees on the floor and goes to make himself look less like a member of the undead. After several minutes of washing his face and brushing his teeth, Dean gives up and makes his way downstairs.

He hears a lot of forks scraping plates as he stands just outside of the kitchen, and a distinct lack of conversation, most likely meaning the most awkward breakfast the world has ever known. Dean finds this distinctly troubling since that’s most likely where Castiel is. He shakes his head, reminding himself that it’s been a long while since his balls dropped and that _he is a fucking man now and he needs to act like one_. Taking a deep breath, he decides that he’ll eventually have to face this, and walks in.

Dean’s assumption of an awkward breakfast was disturbingly accurate. Everyone is glaring so hard at their plate that they don’t even notice Dean’s entrance. Dean takes this opportunity to grab a plate of eggs, bacon, burned toast and take the empty seat next to Cas.

Cas looks up when he sits down and smiles gratefully. Dean gives what he hopes is a reassuring smile in return and clears his throat. The way that the table looks up and recognizes him simultaneously is actually quite hysterical. The way they all jump out of their seats to run up and hug him, however, is seriously terrifying.

Dean gets tackled by Jo first, quite _literally tackled_. She jumps up onto him and wraps her legs around his waist, screaming “ _My bitch! Bitch is back! I missed you bitch!_ ”

Dean laughs and hugs her, feeling at home for the first time since he left San Antonio with Cas. After several seconds, she crawls off of Dean, stepping back as Ellen comes up to give him a hug and a smack on the head for not calling enough. He gives Bobby what constitutes as a hug for Bobby, and then lets them all sit back down.

It’s only then that Dean realizes Sam is not at breakfast. It may make him a bad brother, but this relieves Dean greatly. He doesn’t really want to face Sam just yet.

“Hey guys, this is Castiel, my roommate. Cas, this is my Uncle Bobby, my soon-to-be Aunt Ellen, and Jo, the bitch,” Dean explains, getting a chuckle out of Bobby and a defiant “hey!” from Jo.

“So Dean, you’re looking… very good. What have you been up to? I wouldn’t have to ask if you actually _called_ more than once in a blue moon!” Ellen said, shooting the last part at him. Dean blushed and smiled sheepishly at her. Her face remained stoic, but her eyes gleamed, so Dean figured he wasn’t going to get smacked again.

“Well, I’ve been good, actually pretty great! I’m a detective at the SAPD,” Dean explained, watching Ellen’s eyebrows shoot up. Dean truly does feel bad for not calling Ellen more, he missed her like crazy. It’s just that whenever he did call her, she always tried to discuss Sam, and Dean’s not good with the whole _dealing with his problems_ thing.

“Detective, that’s very impressive. I see you’ve finally grown out of your ‘tour the country phase’ and settled down,” Ellen said, approvingly.

“Actually, a couple winters ago Cas and I toured the country in the Impala, so I got to do that too,” Dean said, smiling.

“It’s a good thing you kept good care of that car, boy, or I’d have to rip ya’ a new one,” Bobby grumbled, picking at his breakfast. Dean smiled at Bobby, he really hadn’t changed one bit.

“I got to take good care of my baby,” Dean said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Bobby nodded approvingly and shoved a large spoonful of eggs into his mouth.

“Speaking of, what do you do, Cas?” Jo asked, innocent eyes fooling everyone but Dean. He gave her a well-deserved kick from under the table, and smirks when she winces and leans over in pain.

“I’m an environmental lawyer, I work in private practice with my brother, Gabriel,” Castiel explains. Ellen looks genuinely interested, and Bobby and Jo are polite enough to pretend to care, which is good enough for Dean.

“Wow, so it seems like you’ve really made a life for yourself, Dean. I’m proud of you,” Ellen says, and Dean positively blushes at the praise. Ellen is the closest thing he’s had to a mother in a very long time.

It is, of course, at this exact moment that Sam walks through the front door, carrying several paper bags of groceries.

“Hey Bobby, they were all out of dark roast, so I got you two medium roasts and figured you could just drink two cups instead of one,” Sam called as he shut the front door awkwardly, trying not to drop anything. Dean’s breath seems to have frozen in his windpipe.

Sam looks, well, _good_. He’s gotten taller, probably taller than Dean, and he’s got a tan and he doesn’t look anything like the misguided teen he left in the dust all those years ago. Dean can’t help but feel the ache in his chest, longing to take his baby brother and hug him, but he resists the urge, remembering the times Sam told him to ‘fuck off and get his own damn life,’ and the one time he actually listened.

Sam walks straight past the table without noticing the two new guests, moving to begin putting stuff away in the cabinets. The entire table has gone deathly quiet, all eyes alternating between Sam and Dean. Jo’s head is whipping back and forth so violently that Dean can’t help but reach out and stop her, if only to keep her from giving herself whiplash.

It actually takes Sam a few minutes of putting away inordinate amounts of bacon, several vegetables, and at least three cases of beer, before he turns to face the table.

He drops the can of frosting he had in his hand as his eyes lock with Dean. From there it’s only incredibly uncomfortable, as expected. Sam blinks a lot, seeming to choke on air the same way Dean had when he walked in, and then begins to stutter half-finished sentences.

“Dean, I didn’t… Is today the day that… Jo, how come you didn’t- wait never mind why would you… I… I just need to… Frosting,” Sam says intelligently.

Dean nods after a second, not sure what else to do. Sam picks up the can of frosting, looks around the kitchen for a few seconds, and then just walks out with the can of frosting still in his hands.

The tables is quiet for almost a solid minute, before Jo breaks the silence.

“That could have gone worse. I mean he could’ve peed his pants or something.”

After that it’s more silence until Dean snorts a laugh, and the Ellen laughs, and then the entire table is laughing hysterically (with the exception of Cas, who looks extremely confused), even though Jo’s joke wasn’t that funny. It seems that it was either laugh like madmen or start hysterically crying.

After they have calmed down and refilled their plates, they settle back down, comfortable eating in silence. Sam walks back in after a few minutes, puts the can of frosting away, and begins to awkwardly make himself a plate. He takes the empty seat across from Dean (because Dean’s life sucks like that).

Dean then stares astutely at his bacon, attempting to count the molecules for several minutes as the table is dragged back into yet another uncomfortable silence. Cas looks around and then elbows Dean. Dean looks at him, furrowing his eyebrows at Castiel’s strange look. Castiel is moving his eyebrows and mouthing things that Dean doesn’t understand. Then Castiel rolls his eyes and makes things _so much worse_.

“So, Dean, why don’t you tell everyone about the case just finished?” Castiel prompts. Dean’s eyes widened and he turned his head slowly to look at Cas, his eyes screaming _WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?_

But of course, because the universe really fucking hates him, Sam asks, “What case?”

Dean gulps and rearranges his eggs, wishing for a meteor to strike him where he sits.

“It’s nothing big, really, just this crazy dude who was abducting all these women and stuff,” Dean mumbles, trying to leave the gory details out of it.

“Oh wait, I heard about that in the news! You solved that one? Damn, good job, Dean-o!” Jo said, and reached over to slap him on the back unnecessarily hard, so that he almost face planted into his plate. Dean glared at her and raised his foot to shove her off her seat. It would have worked, too, if Sam hadn’t reached over and caught her.

“Bitch,” Dean said to him, without thinking, through narrowed eyes before immediately catching himself. _What the fuck was he doing?_ They don’t do that anymore. Fuck him and his stupid mouth. Jesus, and now the whole table is quiet again.

“Jerk,” Sam replies back, only half a second later than socially acceptable. Thankfully however, Jo fills in the space before it can get awkward, yet again.

“That guy was a real creep. This serial killer was going around and snatching up women from clubs, killing them, and then selling all their body parts and blood and stuff on the black market. He abducted like 7 women, really big douche,” Jo said, and the whole table turned to look at Dean, as if shocked that he had solved that case.

Dean made the mistake of looking up. Sam was staring at Dean as if he was a complete stranger. Dean found he wasn’t able to hold eye contact with Sam, and looked back at Jo, who he was able to talk comfortably to.

“It was nothing, really, mostly my partner Charlie. She volunteered to play bait, we never would have caught him without her getting his confession on tape,” Dean said, and he figured by this point in the conversation his eggs were in the shape of a famous Monet painting.

“Dean, you caught a serial killer?” Ellen asked, eyebrows raised. Dean blushed, uncomfortable with the attention. Sam continued to stare at Dean as if he had grown a second head and proclaimed that he was pregnant. Dean couldn’t really blame him for the staring, if Dean was able to look at Sam for more than a few seconds without painful memories flashing through his head, he would stare at how different Sam is, too.

“I mean, I guess. It’s kind of part of the job,” Dean shrugs.

“Dean’s not just a detective, don’t let his modesty fool you, he made head detective 6 months ago,” Cas explained, and even Bobby stopped chugging his coffee to give Dean a proud nod. The entire table gave him a congratulations, making Dean turn new shades of red not previously known to man.

“Wow, that’s great, Dean. Congrats,” Sam said, looking like he genuinely meant it. Dean didn’t know what to say back, all he knew was that he really felt like throwing up. The walls were closing in around him and he could swear that there was no air left in the room.

“Yeah, well,” Dean managed to get out. Cas seemed to think this was very rude, as he gave Dean his _I’m totally judging your sorry ass right now_ glare. Sam however, seemed to accept this and went back to eating.

“So, you two are… roommates?” Bobby asked, after a few minutes of silence had passed.

“Yeah, we’ve been rooming for about two years, but I’ve known Cas since I was 22,” Dean explained. The table seemed to accept this explanation, with the exception of Jo, because she is a truly deplorable human being.

“How did you two meet?” Jo asked, leaning into Dean’s personal space on her elbow. Dean pushed her away from him with his index finger, telling her to _keep her diseases on her side of the table_.

“It’s not really an interesting story, Dean and I were the only two people doing laundry at 3 in the morning, and I didn’t have quarters.”

“Yes, I was expecting something with more blood and explosions, knowing Dean,” Jo agreed. Dean kicked her under the table again, smiling when she squawked out an “OUCH!”

His smile lasted all the way through breakfast after that small victory.

-

Dean’s an idiot. Jo told him so as least 5 separate times after breakfast. This one time however, he will concede that she’s right, seeing as he forgot to buy Ellen and Bobby a wedding present. However, it seems that Jo, Cas and Sam also neglected to buy them a present as well, so they can all _suck it_.

**One hour ago:**

_Dean and Cas were lounging on the back porch, lazily watching Bobby fight with various staff over how to properly set up a tent. Bobby and Ellen had made the decision to have their wedding on Bobby’s property, because it meant they didn’t have to put a deposit down somewhere and because it also meant Ellen could be in complete control, which she seemed to enjoy almost too much._

_Jo came out and sat down on the arm of Dean’s chair, chugging the remainder of his beer. Dean would be more upset if the beer had been cold, but room temperature beer is never good, and he decided he’d let Jo figure that one out._

_“Gross, Dean! Your beer tastes like warm piss!” Jo cried, spitting her mouthful of beer onto the porch. Dean positively cackled, and even Cas cracked a smile, and soon Jo was laughing too as she smacked him playfully on the chest._

_“That’s what you get for stealing another man’s beer, Jo,” Sam chided as he walked past the porch to sit over by Cas, thankfully as far from Dean as he could get. Dean’s laugh died when Sam sat down, and he groaned when Jo elbowed him under the whispered order to_ be nice _._

_“Hey, what did you guys end up getting Ellen and Bobby as wedding gifts?” Sam asked after a few minutes of listening to Bobby call everyone_ idgits _and smacking several people with his baseball cap. Everyone remained silent, looking at one another, before realizing their current dilemma._

_“Did…_ anyone _get them something?” Dean asked. Jo muttered something about her paycheck and Sam coughed into his hand and studied the ground intensely. Dean groaned and ran a hand through his hair._

_“Well, shit. Maybe we could sneak out without Bobby noticing? Where’s Ellen?” Dean asked, looking at Jo._

_“She’s on the phone with her sister, trying to convince her to fly in from Maine, it could be a while,” Jo said, looking at everyone on the porch. Dean glanced around, carefully avoiding eye contact with Sam. He sighed and knew what they would have to do._

_“My car. Two minutes,” Dean said. And just like that, everyone was gone, running in different directions to find their wallets and shoes before Ellen or Bobby realized where they were going._

This is how Dean, Castiel, Jo, and Sam wound up at the Sioux Falls mall, all frantically running around, trying to find gifts before Ellen realized they were gone.

Being that they all had terrible taste and were hoping to buy something quickly and leave before Ellen noticed they were gone, they ran into the first place they saw, which happened to be Pottery Barn.

Dean looked around for exactly three minutes before selecting a sculpted wooden pair of grizzly bear book ends as his gift. He figured that whatever Ellen thought of them wouldn’t be as bad as the pain he would endure if he didn’t get them anything.

“Dean, you can’t buy Ellen that, she’s rip your nuts off,” Jo said, coming to stand beside him. Dean rolled his eyes and clutched the wooden bears closer.

“Hey, they’re eccentric, I’ll just say they’re for Bobby’s study,” Dean defended, cradling his bears close to his chest as if they were small babies. Jo shook her head, wandering off while muttering something about men.

Castiel and Sam were in the same aisle as Dean, just further down, and seemed to be looking at all the objects in the store with confused faces. Cas noticed Dean staring and walked over to him, setting down the wine glasses he was holding and taking one of the bears out of his hands to gently examine it. He smiled at them, and held them up to show Sam, who chuckled. Dean felt like someone had shot him in the chest. Sam’s smile was an echo of years ago, drudging up memories like only liquor usually can.

Dean’s discomfort must have shown on his face, because Sam’s smile suddenly fades and Cas looks at Dean like he’d just killed a puppy and decorated the walls with its tears. Dean felt like the world’s shittiest person in that moment.

“Tell me what’s going on when you’re ready, please?” Cas asked quietly as he patted Dean on the shoulder, looking him in the eye with such unfiltered care that it made Dean’s walls crumble and collapse. All day he’s felt people chipping away at the fragile encasement he’s built around his life, and Castiel just tore it all away with one look of concern. Dean’s so far gone for him that he’s not even upset about the fact.

Sam saunters over to him as Cas walked away, clearing his throat and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. Dean knows that he needs to face Sam, and talk about what happened before he left, but he knows that now is not the time or place, and he needs to prepare himself for that conversation.

“So, Cas is pretty cool. How long have you guys been together?” Sam asks, playing with his apparent gift for Bobby and Ellen, which looks like _Rock, Paper, Scissors Dice_. Dean remembers with a melancholy feeling in his gut when he and Sam used to play Rock Paper Scissors to decide who would order a pizza or go wake Dad up for his shift.

“We’re actually not together,” Dean said, decidedly not focusing on Sam, instead making his wooden grizzly bears fight with one another like a small child.

“Oh… Sorry, I just thought because-”

“Yeah, well, you thought wrong,” Dean said, and _fuck_ he knew he was being an asshole, but at this point it was either be an asshole or break down crying and demanding to know what gave Sam the right to pull himself together.

Sam flinched, obviously stung by Dean’s tone. There was guilt and shame and sadness clogging in Dean’s throat like an allergic reaction, cutting off his ability to breathe and leaving him breathless and gasping for some sort of relief. How can you look at someone that ripped your heart out of your chest, took away the only thing you ever knew, managed to corrupt your entire life with their careless ways, and pretend to be okay?

“Dean, I know that this hasn’t been easy for you, but I’m really trying to-” Sam started, but Dean cut him off.

“Sam, please. Not yet. I can’t... Not yet,” Dean said, fear in his eyes and panic coursing through his veins at 100 miles per hour. Sam seemed to understand, and nodded. The hurt on his face was impossible to miss, and it only made Dean feel worse.

He gave Dean one last nod and backed off, turning the other way and walking slowly into another aisle, leaving Dean alone to wonder why he was so fucked up inside.

“He wasn’t far off to assume that you’re together,” Jo’s voice said from behind him, startling him so much he almost dropped the wooden grizzly bears in his hands. He turned to find her standing there, sympathy in her eyes and a carved horse head in her hands.

“I know, it’s complicated,” Dean sighs, setting one of the bears down to run a hand through his hair.

“Is it really though? Because from what I’ve seen, it looks like it’s pretty mutual, Dean.”

Dean’s head snaps up, and he locks eyes with her. She gives him a look that screams _I know your see it too,_ and he shrugs.

“Even if it was mutual, I’m not going to push anything on him, that wouldn’t be fair,” Dean said, and Jo nodded in understanding. Dean’s feelings for Castiel sort of blew out of control when he asked Castiel to come on this trip with him. Dean longs to curl around him in his sleep and hold onto the person that has been there for Dean unfailingly since the day they met.

“Sometimes all that’s missing is a push, Dean,” Jo says, her eyes meeting his in one of the few serious moments they have shared between them since they became friends. Dean ponders this, and thinks about what might happens if he was to give a push. He needs Castiel in his life too much to lose him, Dean doesn’t know if he would be able to get through some of the horrors he sees at work without having someone to come home to that lightens things up and gets his mind away from violence and murder.

“Sam’s really trying, talk to him and get it over with already. He really is better now,” Jo said, and walked away, leaving Dean in the middle of the aisle alone.

-

Dean’s had a really fucking weird day. After they got back from Pottery Barn, they all went separate ways. Jo went to _‘get so fucking hammered_ ’, Sam went off, mumbling something about wrapping paper, and Castiel went to go ask Ellen if she needed help, because he is a brave soul. Dean took a nap, and had no regrets.

Now, with the sun setting on the horizon of Bobby’s property, Dean’s got the perfect view from the back porch. He’s lounging in a rocking chair, feet propped up on the table, and his phone playing _Asia’s Greatest Hits_ loudly. Dean closes his eyes and feels the sun hit his face directly, reminding him of Texas, and making him miss the way the sun is always shining and keeping him warm.

He hears the porch door open and close, but doesn’t open his eyes. He already knows who it is, he knows what’s coming. It may be childish, but Dean would like to hold off the crying and fighting and tears for as long as possible.

“Asia, Dean? _Really_?” Sam asks, disbelieving from behind him.

“Hey, shut your cakehole!” Dean says over the music, pointing in his general direction, his eyes still closed.

“You know we need to talk about this,” Sam’s voice comes from behind him, sounding smaller and more broken than Dean’s heard since Sam walked through the door this morning. Sam sounds like he’s still 16, getting hauled into the back of a police cruiser, begging Dean for things that he doesn’t deserve.

“I realize that,” Dean says, and switches his music off. He stands up to face Sam, knowing that there is no returning after this conversation to the paper house Dean has built for himself. He’s not sure if he’s ready to face these demons.

Sam sighs and takes a breath, as if he wasn’t expecting Dean to agree to the conversation. To be honest Dean wasn’t expecting himself to agree to the conversation.

“What I did to you was so unforgivable. I lied to you, I ran away, I was a dick to you, and I broke your trust. I drove you out of here and for that… for that, I’m never going to stop trying to make everything up to you, to show you I’ve moved past that, to be your brother again, as much as you’ll let me,” Sam said, his eyes pleading. Dean couldn’t look at him, his eyes already wet with tears. He focused on the sunset, serene and uncaring of the conversation taking place on Bobby’s back porch. Emotions threatened to pour out of him, but Dean held on with all his might, trying to keep himself together.

“Dean, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate myself for doing that to you, and then when I got out, you were gone, and Bobby told me that it was because I’d asked you to leave, and I fucking hate myself for driving you out, I pulled you under in my shit-bag lifestyle and you didn’t deserve that. Fuck, I kept you out of college because I was such a deadbeat! I told you to get a life because I thought that I was keeping you from one. I don’t even know where to start and Dean I am so-”

He can’t take this, he can’t. There’s no air getting to his lungs because he’s too busy trying to keep himself from biting his lip clear off. Tears are streaming down his face and his ears are ringing like crazy but everything is background noise and Dean can’t hear anything over what his baby brother is saying and _fuck_ nothing in Dean’s life has ever been as raw or painful as this one moment in time. Dean’s soul has been stripped bare and hung up for the world to see how scarred and damaged he is.

“Sammy don’t you fucking _dare_ apologize. _Don’t even try!_ Sorry doesn’t even _begin_ to cover what you did. You made me sit there and watch as you fell into this pit, and you didn’t even have the kindness to let me know what was going on. Fuck Sammy _I could have helped you!_ You just shut everyone out and did drugs and stole shit and drank and then you made me come fucking save your ass when you got the heat of your crummy fucking mistakes! _How was that fucking fair to me?_ Or _Bobby?_ Fuck Sammy we _raised your sorry ass!_ I did _everything_ for you and none of it mattered because I couldn’t save you and that was my one fucking job!” Dean’s throat is raw with anger and fury and words that he’s held inside for years.

“Dean, it was never your job to raise me! I was hopeless, you should have gone and lived your own life, forgotten about me!” Sam cried, his eyes bright and teary, he threw his arms out exasperated, as if Dean should have realized this.

“I could _never_ forget about you, you’re too god-damned bitchy for that. You’re my brother and you’re the only one I got and it hurt more than anything watching you fall into that hole and _God_ Sammy I tried _everything_ to help and it wasn’t enough and I’m sorry I left you but I couldn’t be in this house, I was suffocating, the whole world was screaming how much I had failed you!” Dean is full on screaming now, and he’s sure everyone inside the house can hear him, and if Bobby had any neighbors, they would have been peaking over the fence at the spectacle.

“Dean, you never failed me! You were the only one who tried to pull me out, and I know I didn’t want your help because I was a punk-ass kid and I thought I was worth nothing! You were the one to make me soup when I was sick and you taught me to read and you encouraged me to do whatever I wanted with my future and you taught me to drive! Dean you left and I knew you weren’t ever coming back and I had to pull myself out of that hole alone because you weren’t here for me to put all my weight on, and it was like you did me the biggest favor and hurt me so fucking bad I thought I was gonna die,” Sam said, a gradual decrescendo from him screaming so loud his cheeks were red to the most broken whisper that seems to shake Dean more than Sam’s loudest shouting.

“Sammy I left thinking that you were gone, I started over and made myself a new life that you just don’t fit into anymore,” Dean whispers, and now his eyes are on Sam, and it doesn’t hurt to look at him like it did before, it hurts in the same way a wound hurts, open and bleeding and already trying to heal slowly.

Sam’s breath stuttered and he nodded, tears streaming out of his eyes freely now, and fuck if Dean didn’t feel like the world’s biggest pussy for crying with his estranged brother on the back porch of Bobby’s as the sun set after a long, dramatic day.

“Dean I’m not asking to be some big part of your life, that’s something that I don’t deserve to have anymore, I’m just asking that you’ll try to let me show you that I’ve changed and gotten better and that I miss you so fucking much,” Sam says, staking a step closer to Dean.

Dean knows that he’s so fucking close to agreeing to everything. Sam spent years tearing out his heart little by little, and Dean had to rebuild himself from scratch. Dean’s teenage years were spent hauling his brother out of police stations and drug deals and liquor stores, he spent days when Sam was at school searching his room for drugs and alcohol and things that didn’t belong to him.

But when Dean looks at Sam, he doesn’t see teenaged Sam with the red eyes and bad attitude. Dean sees his younger brother, somehow in his early twenties, with clear eyes and a genuine smile that sometimes comes out and sense of humor that Dean had thought died long ago with his soul. Dean wants to reach out and hold him, something Sam hasn’t let him do since he was 13 and missing their parents so much it hurt just to be awake.

Sam beats him to it, taking Dean and giving his the world’s most uncomfortable bear hug. Sam seemed to crush Dean in his arms, and Dean just fucking lets him, letting feelings he’s locked up for so long he thought he’d forgotten them wash over him now. He wraps his arms slowly around Sam’s back, cradling him as Sam silently cries onto Dean’s shoulder.

“Sammy, I can’t forgive you just like that, but we can try to fix this. We’ll get through this, just like everything else,” Dean found himself saying, and also surprisingly believing it.

Sam held him tighter, and Dean let him, feeling like he’s finally found the last piece of his heart that he never quite could find to put back.

-

After another ten minutes of hugging and crying, then ten minutes of hugging Bobby and Ellen as well (and also crying), Dean felt sufficiently worn out. He excused himself for the night, looking forward to nothing more than passing out in his bed and maybe crying some more because _real men cry fuck your stereotypes_.

However, when he opens the door on Castiel, shirtless and laying on his bed from when he was a teenager, reading his damn weird law books with a look of such worry that it both excites and scares Dean. When Cas looks up and sees Dean, he gives him the brightest smile, like Dean put every planet ino orbit for him. And _fuck_ , Dean’s got no walls up right now, he feels so rubbed raw and ripped open, that he can’t be blamed for crawling next to Cas and wrapping his arms around his torso and fucking holding on because he really needs it right now.

Cas, because he is an amazing person and perfect in every way, doesn’t even flinch, just sets his book down and holds Dean back. Dean sighs and buries his face in Castiel’s side, feeling so empty and full at the same time that he doesn’t know whether to cry again or get so fucking drunk he can’t walk.

“Do you want me to rub your back?” Cas asks. If Dean wasn’t having the most emotional day ever, he would make a joke about Castiel’s girlish ways, but at the moment absolutely nothing sounds better. Dean nods, face still pressed into Castiel’s side. Cas chuckled and gets off the bed, to Dean’s grumbling protest, before Cas is shifting Dean to lay on his stomach, arms wrapped around a pillow near his head and a feeling of exhaustion in his bones.

“Dean, you’re going to need to remove your shirt,” Castiel says as Dean hears the sound of him rummaging through his bag. Dean took his faded gray Henley off and deposited it on Castiel’s side of the room because he can and he likes the way it looks next to Castiel’s things.

Cas shuffles around for a minute longer, and Dean lets the sound lull him into a trance-like state. _Sometimes_ _all that’s missing is a push, Dean,_ Jo’s words from earlier echo in his head, seeming like that happened millions of years ago instead of a few hours. Dean thought about Jo’s advice, thought about his life with Cas so far, thought about living the rest of his life like that, just waiting for something else to be the deciding factor in his life, living like a coward forever.

Castiel climbed onto the bed, sitting directly on Dean’s ass, and causing him to startle and take an immediate turn to boner-ville. Castiel poured what felt like lotion onto Dean’s back, and Dean only had a minute to startle at the chill of it before warm hands were on him, and Dean literally groaned at how nice it felt. Cas worked out every knot in Dean’s lower back, kneading slowly, with the perfect amount of pressure, before slowly moving his way up until he was rubbing Dean’s shoulders.

“Dean, perhaps talking would help you relax,” Castiel murmured, surprisingly close to Dean’s ear. Dean knew what Castiel was really asking, _will you please tell me what happened with you and Sam?_ And Dean figured that after the emotional shouting match not even an hour ago he could handle reliving it one more time for Cas.

“Our mom died when we were really young, so it was just us and our dad. He wasn’t very healthy, and by the time I hit high school he was dead too. We moved here with Bobby. I got into sports and I learned how to shoot and I tried new things. Sammy though, he learned how to steal things without being caught and do drugs and where to buy illegal shit. No matter what I did I couldn’t stop him, Bobby and I tried everything, but it wasn’t enough... Sam just kept falling into this hole until he was 16 and stole a teacher’s car at the high school. They put him in Juvie, and I just couldn’t take it, I didn’t even recognize him anymore. He told me to leave and not come back, and I just… I listened. I’ve been avoiding this place up until now ever since,” Dean finished, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could stop them, like a dam breaking.

Castiel is silent, his hand rubbing soothing circles into Dean’s back, a strong, constant presence that makes Dean’s trouble bleed out of his body with every brush of his hands. Dean keeps his eyes closed, focusing on the hands that attempt to rub his problems away and not on the heavy words and weighted memories that linger everywhere in this damn house.

All of a sudden, Cas stops moving. Dean figures his hands are tired, but when he doesn’t start again after a minute, Dean opens one eye open to peer back at Cas. He’s staring at Dean like he’s never seen him before, and it’s kind of weirding Dean out, not going to lie.

“Dean, I am going to do something,” Cas proclaims, and Dean figures that he’s maybe going to try that karate chop thing on his back. Instead, Castiel leans in and brushes his lips against Dean’s, his chest flush with Dean’s back. The surprise on Dean’s face doesn’t last long, and soon he’s arching his back to try and get more of Cas. The angle is wrong and Dean’s already blindingly hard, uncomfortably pressed into the bed, so Dean figures he can’t be blamed for pulling away.

They don’t stay parted for more than Dean rolling over and on top of Cas, pressing him into the mattress, their hips slotting together like they were meant for nothing else in life but to fit together like puzzle pieces. Castiel’s legs wrap around Dean’s waist and he smiles, nipping at Castiel’s lips and taking advantage of his surprise to slide his tongue inside of Castiel’s mouth and groaning at how _Cas_ he tastes, like coffee and mint and something so undeniably Castiel.

“Dean,” Cas moans, making Dean rock his hips into Cas, moaning at the feeling and _oh hey that was pure magic let’s go that again why don’t we._

Cas snakes his arms around Dean’s neck and uses the leverage to _fucking grind his body against Dean_ , which, okay, that is simply perfect. Dean’s hand leaves Cas’ hair to grab his ass, because Dean is an ass man and Cas has a perfect ass.

Everything devolves after that from sensual kisses and slow touching to purely filthy moves, each fighting for dominance, before Castiel finally pins Dean onto the bed, and Dean lets him. Cas gives him a grin that sends Dean’s heart racing and then latches onto Dean’s neck, giving him love bites in places that will definitely be showing tomorrow, before moving down to his collarbone.

“Dean, you don’t even know how perfect you are,” Cas said almost reverently. His hands were everywhere, Dean felt like he was being set on fire from the inside out, he holds onto Castiel’s back for dear life, every inch of his body is falling off a cliff and there was never an end to his descent. Dean moaned as Castiel discovered the wonders of biting Dean’s earlobe.

“Cas, you’re just… God I love you,” Dean blurted out somewhere between a kiss to the neck here and a graze of fingers there. Castiel froze at Dean’s words, his head lifted up to stare at Dean, his eyes full of confusion.

“What?” Cas asks, as if he this might all be some sick joke.

Dean thinks about backing out, but after the shittiest day he’s had in such a long time, Jo’s words echo in his head again. He thinks about pushing, and what it means in this case. If he pushed Cas, and Cas doesn’t fall, where does that leave them? Boy friends? Roommates that fuck? That strange step between dating and not? There’s a voice that sounds too much like Jo in the back of his head chanting that _you’ll never know unless you try_.

“I’ve been in love with you for a really long time.”

Cas stares at Dean for a really long time (or maybe only a few seconds, Dean can’t tell anymore), before Castiel bursts into laughter. Dean gives him an incredulous look, not even sure what’s supposed to be funny, before Cas sees the look on his face and begins explaining himself.

“Balthazar and I broke up because I was in love with you,” Cas explains, and suddenly Dean understands the joke. _They’re both fucking idiots._

Everything after that is, as they say, history (and a lot of making out).

-

Three days later, and Dean is about ready to break his own neck and pass on to the next life.

After Dean’s amazing night with Castiel, they’re been stuck doing manual labor or helping Ellen carry her shopping bags, and have had almost no alone time (which is really cutting into Dean’s plans of getting laid, _seriously_ ).

Ash arrived the night after Dean and Castiel made out like teenagers, stoned and drunk, and then passed out in Sam’s bathtub. Dean laughed so hard he choked, and Sam got to use his signature bitch face for 4 hours consecutively.

The current problem, however, is much worse than carrying Ellen’s unending shopping bags from her truck to her room. Currently, it is 7 hours before the wedding, and Bobby is nowhere to be found.

Jo sends Sam, Dean, and Castiel on Bobby-hunt, while she keeps Ellen distracted with made up minor emergencies, such as _not enough mini hot dogs,_ or w _e’re running out of relish,_ and Dean’s personal favorite _Ellen where do babies come from I really need to know right now_.

After thirty minutes of searching, trying to lure Bobby out of some strange hiding spot with beer, and whistling for him like a dog, they all decide that splitting up would cover more ground. Castiel and Ash agree to check and make sure all the cars on the property are still there, while Sam and Dean go to search outside for Bobby.

As it turns out, Dean and Sam went in the right direction. About a minute after they began walking around in the back acres of Bobby’s property, they hear shotgun echoes. Sam and Dean didn’t even need to meet eyes to know how bad that could be. Images of Bobby’s gun collection in his office echoed in Dean’s mind, and they both took off in the direction of the shots. Dean hauled some serious ass, and pretended that Sam didn’t outrun him because _if you have gazelle legs it doesn’t fucking count in a race_.

They found Bobby, in a bathrobe, shooting beer bottles off of a table. Dean and Sam shared a weary look, both having flashbacks of their childhood and Bobby’s affinity for firearms. Sam gave Dean a look and motioned with his chin for Dean to go talk to Bobby. Dean rolled his eyes and motioned for Sam to go talk to him. Sam sighed, and they both held their hands up in _rock paper scissors_ battle stance.

Just as they were about to begin, Bobby’s voice cut through their intense preparation.

“Would you two idgits stop goofing around?” Bobby cried, swinging around to face them angrily, but forgetting to put his gun down. Dean may or may not have screamed as he dropped to the ground, it’s all speculation.

“Bobby, what the _hell_ are you doing?” Sam asked, crouched down on the ground by Dean’s head, which was still pressed to the ground in fear. Dean preferred his body unpierced _thank you very much_.

“Can’t a man just shoot things off a table every once in a while?” Bobby asks, finally putting his gun down, taking off his baseball cap to run his hands through his thinning hair. Sam and Dean both hesitantly rose from the ground.

“We don’t mind you shooting stuff, Bobby. We’re just a little confused as to why you’re doing so _right now_ ,” Dean said, taking measured steps towards Bobby before grabbing the gun and putting the safety on because the words _hunting accident_ are absolute lies and he refuses to develop PTSD from this encounter.

“This is how I relax,” Bobby explained evenly, as if Sam and Dean were the stupidest men alive for not understanding that. There is pure silence as Sam and Dean glance at each other, then at Bobby, and then back at each other. Sam’s eyebrows knit together in confusion, and Dean shrugs. He’s most likely been gone too long for this make any sense to him, he got all _city-fied_ as Bobby likes to tease him about.

“Well, how about we go grab some coffee and hide form Jo?” Dean asks, clapping his hands together and resolutely deciding that getting Bobby away from his gun is the best way to ensure that everyone keeps all their body parts.

Bobby eyes Dean for a few minutes, as if Dean may be lying and intending to take him somewhere much more ominous, like the doctor’s office or to a marathon of _Miss Congeniality_ movies, then shrugs, hanging Sam his gun as he walks by them towards the house.

-

By the time the ceremony is ready to begin, Dean is so close to sawing off his own foot that Cas has to whisper promises of massages and burgers to ensure Dean doesn’t inflict bodily harm upon himself. Jo has had at least 8 separate mental breakdowns, Ellen tried to beat the florist with her shoe, and Bobby refused to take his baseball cap off for _his own_ _wedding_ , until Ellen called him and told him something along the lines of _Bobby Singer if you wear that baseball cap down the aisle I will attend our honeymoon alone_.

Aside from the various mental breakdowns and attempts at physical assault, when Ellen walks down the aisle, she looks like something straight from heaven, clothed in an elegant white gown with lilies in her hand and Sam escorting her down the aisle, before taking his place next to Dean as a groomsmen, both of them next to Rufus. Bobby had sat Dean and Sam down a few days ago and politely explained that he couldn’t pick one of them to be his best man, so he chose Rufus, then gave them each a beer and promptly disappeared.

Jo leans back to meet eyes with Dean, looking like a breath of fresh air in a light green dress that actually makes her look like the 25 year old woman she is, and smiles at him, mouthing _I’m glad you’re here_. Dean smiles back, and he ignores the feelings of pure happiness he hasn’t let himself feel in so long.

As Ellen takes her place across from Bobby, Garth opens his notes and begins to speak. Dean can’t bring himself to feel guilty as he lets his mind wander during Garth’s speech of happiness and love and acceptance (which he’s already heard 14 times, as Garth recited it to each member of the household at least twice).

Dean glances at Sam, still in shock that this big man, who is taller and bigger than him, is the same 5 year old boy that used to crawl in bed with Dean when he had nightmares. Dean remember the low points in his relationship with Sam. The memories sting, but Dean is able to think of them now, and even talk about them, which Cas assures him is improvement, and that time will seal the wounds shut completely. Sam meets his eyes and gives a teary smile, wrapping his hand around Dean’s shoulder. Dan pats Sam’s hand, and realizes that they’re most likely thinking the same thing.

Looking into the audience, Dean can’t help but huff a laugh when he sees Cas, sitting on the front row, trying to politely avoid Pamela’s eyes on him. Dean knows Pamela won’t actually do anything, and can’t help but find Castiel’s discomfort amusing. Cas sees Dean’s smile and sticks his tongue out, because despite being a 29 year old man, he is seriously a child inside.

Turning his attention back to the wedding, he realizes that Ellen is about to start her vows. He knows he already missed Bobby’s vows, but he’s sure it boiled down to ‘ _Love you. Good food. Beer buddy. Love you. Ya sure know your way around a gun.’_

Ellen carefully dabbed at her makeup, before clearing her throat. Dean already knew this was going to make him bawl like a motherfucker.

“Bobby Singer, you are simply the most infuriating man I have ever met. You clean your guns on the kitchen table, you wear your damned hat inside, and you always steal the covers,” This earned a chuckle out of the crowd and a snort out of Dean, which in turn earned him a death glare from Bobby. “But even though you make me want to pull all my hair out sometimes, you’re the only man I’ve ever met who would drop everything to take care of the ones you love without batting an eye. You raised two of the best men I’ve ever had the pleasure of getting to watch grow up, and you did the majority of that by yourself. You take care of me and my daughter, you make me smile when I want to cry, and you are who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

If Ellen’s voice was shaking at the end of her vows, no one noticed, as everyone was too busy trying to pretend that they weren’t crying. Dean felt a tear slide down his cheek and couldn’t find the strength in himself to hold in the waterworks. He knew just form the sound of sniffling next to him that Sam was crying as well.

Ellen and Bobby slipped the rings on each other’s fingers, keeping their hands entwined between them as Garth told them, big eyes full of tears, that he pronounced them _Mr. and Mrs. Singer._ Dean turned to Sam in a moment of happiness and swept his not-so-little brother into a hug, holding on for dear life and praying that this time, maybe he wouldn’t have to let go.

-

**Epilogue**

Late November

-

“Do we have enough food? Is the turkey going to feed all of us? What about cranberries? Is the stuffing too dry? Because I can make the stuffing again it’s not that hard. Oh hey do we have enough beer? I don’t think I can do this completely sober. Oh, and are we stocked with-“

“Dean,” Cas interrupted, putting his hand over Dean’s mouth, and leaning him down so that their foreheads touched. After a minute of waiting for Dean’s breathing to return to a reasonable speed, Cas removed his hand, replacing it with his lips.

He kissed Dean gently, as If he was something so fine and delicate, that he would break if Cas was too rough with him. Dean should feel offended, but in all honesty he feels like someone took all of his insides and ran them through a blender. Cas entwines his hands around Dean’s neck, rubbing the pressure points on his neck and soothing him in a way nothing else really can.

Tension bleeds out of him, and he breaks off the kiss to lay his face in the crook of Cas’ neck, smelling the slightest hint of his cologne and the laundry detergent on his sweater and his shampoo. Dean wraps his arms around Cas’ shoulders and pretends that nothing exists past this.

Ever since Bobby and Ellen’s wedding, Dean’s life has gotten significantly better. He has kept in touch with everyone from his past on a much more regulated basis, especially Ellen, who he feels so bad for neglecting.

Perhaps the most surprising thing is how easily it was to pick back up with Sam. It was uncomfortable at first, short phone calls and awkward, paragraph type text messages. After a few weeks though, things slowly fell into place, and Dean grew comfortable talking on the phone with Sam, and sending him pictures of all the strange things his co-workers did (example: Victor and Benny showing up at the precinct dressed as the Olsen twins for Halloween).

Even with their newfound friendship though, Dean was still hesitant to reach out and invite Sam and his girlfriend Jess to their apartment for Thanksgiving weekend. After some prodding from Cas, a beer, and some truly _incomparable and flithy_ shower blowjobs, Dean invited them.

Which is why Dean was currently clinging to Castiel like his life depended on it.

The doorbell rang and Dean groaned, holding Cas tighter as Cas laughed and tried to escape Dean’s death grip to answer the door.

Dean follows him slowly, stopping when he sees Castiel welcoming Sam and a beautiful blonde girl into their apartment, and Dean is still slightly surprised that they actually have enough space for Sam and his girlfriend, since Cas moved into Dean’s room about a month after the wedding.

Sam spies Dean, and instead of standing there awkwardly, as they did the last time they saw each other after an extended time of being away from each other, he rushes up to give Dean the biggest hug.

Sam squeezes the air out of Dean for several seconds, until Dean finally has to shove him away and gasp for air. Sam rolls his eyes good naturedly and pulls the blonde girl forward, holding her at his side proudly. She has wild, curly blonde hair that shoots out in random tendrils, reminding Dean of a blonde Merida from _Brave_.

“Dean, Cas, this is my girlfriend Jess. Jess, this is my brother Dean, and his boyfriend Cas,” Dean said. Jess shoots them the biggest smile, shakes their hands, and then immediately wins Dean over with one simple question.

“You guys have beer, right?”

-

After the biggest Thanksgiving dinner ever, they’re all sitting in the living room, pants unbuttoned and groaning as they somehow manage to nurse a beer, albeit rather pathetically.

“Wow, Dean I had no idea you were such a good cook,” Sam says, rubbing his stomach in simultaneous content and agony. _Sam has a major food baby right now_ , Dean’s brain thinks sleepily.

“Yeah well, living on your own, you kinda have to know. I could only take so much _Taco Bell_ before I decided the aftermath wasn’t worth it,” Dean said, trying and failing to sit up.

Everyone groaned at Dean’s unfiltered imagery in that sentence, and he can’t help but crack a smile as Cas tries and fails to reach over and kick him.

“So Sammy, how is school going?” Dean asks, and Sam still beams every time he hears that nickname now, which warms Dean just a little each time he sees the smile.

“It’s great! Pre-law is crazy, but I’m really liking it,” Sam smiles, grabbing Jess’ hand as she gives him a sleepy grin in return. Dean recalls from phone calls with Sam that they met at school, Jess is a year ahead of him school wise, even though he’s a year older than her. Dean’s glad Sam was upfront with her about his past, and even happier that Jess didn’t think less of Sam or Dean for the irresponsible choices they made.

“Sam, you should think about doing your internship at my firm. My brother Gabriel would make an excellent mentor for you, I believe,” Castiel said, already thumbing through his phone for Gabriel’s information. While Gabriel might be the biggest man-child that Dean knows, Cas isn’t wrong with saying that Gabriel would make a great mentor. He’s good at teaching in a patient way and he keeps things light and interesting.

“That’s not a bad idea, Gabe would make a kickass mentor. And hey, if you want a place to stay, you’re welcome here,” Dean says, eyes closed as he rubs his belly, hoping to make the shooting pains in his side go away so he can have some more of the apple pie Jess made (if Dean could keep her here to make pie every day, or at least get the recipe, he could die happy).

He doesn’t realize what he’s just said until he doesn’t hear anything for a few seconds. When he peaks an eye open sleepily, he realizes everyone is staring at him, various levels of shocked or awed.

“Dean, that means so much, I don’t even know what to say,” Sam says, reaching out to lay his hand on Dean’s shoulder, is what he assumes is the current substitute for a hug, given that none of them can move more than a few inches at a time.

“You could say yes,” Cas said after a few seconds. “And bring Jess with you,” Dean adds, giving her a smile and whispering the word _PIE_ at her over and over again as she bursts into a fit of giggles and nods.

“You guys don’t have to do this,” Sam said, the smile on his face threatening to begin glowing from how wide it is.

“We want to,” Dean said simply. Dean and Cas never actually talked about it, but if Cas is inviting them as well, then it seems like they don’t even need to have the conversation.

“St. Mary’s is literally within walking distance, it’s where I did my graduate work,” Cas explains, and leaps into a conversation about his classes, blahblahblah, lulling Dean into a food coma that sweeps him away to Dreamland, where he has piles and piles of Jess’ pie to inhale.

-

Waking up, Dean finds himself tucked into the couch, a blanket over his legs and Cas pressed up to his front. Cas is currently giggling like a young girl at _Drake and Josh_ on the TV, and Dean can’t help but roll his eyes and squeeze him tight, pulling him into his chest and burying his head into Cas’ neck.

“It was nice of you to invite Sam to stay with us,” Cas mumbles, entwining his fingers with Dean’s.

“You’re not mad, are you?” Dean asks into Castiel’s neck.

“Not at all, I have long since considered Sam family. I think the opportunity would prove a good opportunity to rekindle your relationship with him. I also have expressed a great interest in mentoring Jessica. She shows great promise, and I admire her baking abilities greatly.”

Dean groans at the memory of her pie, which is truly the single greatest thing he has ever tasted in his life.

“Cas, taking you to the wedding is the best thing I’ve ever done. I love you,” Dean says, giving Cas the gentlest of kisses to his neck and shoulder, and then lets himself fall back into unconsciousness, left to dream pleasantly of pie and family and home.

“I love you, Dean,” Castiel smiles as he hears Dean’s breath even out, and gives his hand a squeeze, turning the television off to bury himself deeper into Dean’s warm embrace as he too drifts into unconsciousness.

-

End

-

**Author's Note:**

> Kim's Burger's and Shakes is not real, to my knowledge, and if it is, I don't think it's in the same place I put it in for the work. If so, please comment and I will correct myself. The serial killer that Dean caught is fictitious as well, to my knowledge no one was ever doing those things in that city.
> 
> I do not own any of the titles or specific items (such as those from Pottery Barn) mentioned in the work, nor do I own any of the characters. All characters mentioned are property of the CW and Supernatural.
> 
> Please leave your feedback, I love reading your comments!! :)


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